-black & white-

*218

for the first time in about half a year, i put on my uniform again. HAHAH. i don't find it particularly uncool or anything, it's just that everything's so... big. i swear that when i jump (and this was during warm-ups), my skirt move up and down my waist.
funny how last year all the baggy clothes went pretty much unnoticed.
that said, wearing the uniform was quite comfortable. saves me the trouble of thinking about what to wear too.

i quit my job, so no updates (in other words, complaints) on the job front.
alright i know i should put 100% into everything i do, but ummmm. i'm not really cut out for an office job, much less one dealing with a lot of numbers.
that's one new (and very IMPORTANT) lesson i learnt after four months.

some stuff shouldn't be blogged about, so they won't appear here.

the only thing left to type are my replies, so here goes.

jerrold, manual work is manual work. there ain't any classification of manual work. anything that doesn't require brain work goes into that category hahah. and how does plunging a knife into one's stomach cause all the rest of the intestines to spill out?!

julian, it takes TIME. be PATIENT. just do the best you can to help them along; don't fret so much!

pearl, i QUIT. YAY. hahahahah. hope my next job will be better! phone call after i return. no more putting it off!

i fell in love with this song:

teardrops on my guitar
-taylor swift

drew looks at me, i fake a smile so he won't see
that i want and i'm needing everything that we should be
i'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
and she's got everything that i have to live without

drew talks to me, i laugh 'cause it's just so damn funny
that i can't even see anyone when he's with me
he says he's so in love, he's finally got it right
i wonder if he knows he's all i think about at night

he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
he's the song in the car i keep singing, don't know why i do

drew walks by me, can he tell that i can't breathe?
and there he goes, so perfectly
the kind of flawless i wish i could be
she'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause

he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
he's the song in the car i keep singing, don't know why i do

so i drive home alone, as i turn out the light
i'll put his picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight

he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
the only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
he's the song in the car i keep singing, don't know why i do
he's the time taken up, but there's never enough
and he's all that i need to fall into

drew looks at me, i fake a smile so he won't see

"the only one who's got enough of me to break my heart" --> you see. it's never too good to give away all of yourself.

*217

alright alright i know i didn't particularly keep my promise to blog. the fact remains that there REALLY isn't much to blog about, plus i can't seem to find the energy to sit in front of a computer typing in all these words.

a lot of things seem to be better left unsaid.
those stuff i would like to get out of my system shouldn't be posted here, and the only other stuff i can type are not particularly worth posting.
so what else is left?

i can't stand how people message me or talk to me over msn only to try to find out what course i got accepted into. seriously, if they don't keep in touch the rest of the time, asking "hey so have any universities sent you any acceptance letters?" only gives me the impression that they want this information only to compare.
i am so not a reference point for others to find out where they stand among peers. which is why, yes, on the verge of being rude, i ignore these messages.

good-natured people always get bullied.
admittedly i'm not even-tempered, but i'm polite (enough) not to retort my elders. even when they're being unreasonable and saying a lot of hurtful stuff out of jealousy or whatever prejudice they have.
other people have brains, i believe. they can see who's being the idiot here.
the more you think i can't make it, the more i'm going to show you how wrong you are. besides, i have not needed any tiny morsel of your help to become who i am now, and i'm not going to need it either.
it still amazes me that someone who ought to be respected can make me feel so disgusted.

i'm reverting to angsty ways. ugh.

everything is so overwhelming that now i can see why adults are so cynical hahahahah.

okay i might as well continue ranting. not much point in trying to change subject hm.

my fingers look so ugly now; there're all sorts of scratches and peeling skin and holes in them from the physical, BRAINLESS work i've been doing (not by choice). and they hurt 'cause i keep slamming the wounds into all sorts of things (not by choice too).
good experience indeed. i learnt how to reorganize stuff in alphabetical order.
INDEED.

the things that i look forward to get fewer and fewer.
oh at least now i have cruz teng's radio drama 1979 to look forward to everyday heh.

that day when i had a penknife and a roll of sticky tape in my hands while sealing boxes of archived stuff, i actually wondered what would happen if i slid the penknife blade out and plunge it into my stomach.
afterwards i decided it'll probably hurt like hell.
a proper dagger would be more useful.
oh i just had another idea. what if i stabbed myself and used sticky tape to seal the hole up?

sick, ain't i.

oh and just to reply julian, teammates are vital but it doesn't mean you have to be superbestest friends with all of them. or even one of them. i'm not very close to the j1s but i'm still willing to support them when we're singing beside each other.
so you see. normal friendship will do.
and yes, common goal is more important. it's not political correctness. it's um, an opinion. hahah.

*216

yes jerrold i totally agree. the weather is acting up again! it's crazy; rain one day, hot and sunny and humid for three or four days... can kill.

i spent a fruitful labour day hahah. (third consecutive year. no prizes for guessing what i was doing and where i was.)
it was interesting to learn about why we do certain vocal exercises and how stuff works. much much better than doing it blindly and "just because we were told to do so". like mrs tay said, there must be a logic to it.
understanding it does make a lot of stuff easier to apply. (same goes for studies, agreed?) though i admit i find it very hard to sing properly when i'm alone.

recently stuff have been happening, not really big life-changing events, just the normal everyday ones. even so, they made me think quite a bit.

nowadays i feel very distanced from everybody. (bet it's the office job. no human interaction.) to a certain extent i don't particularly care, and that bothers me a little. but at the same time i like the freedom when i'm alone and being able to move at my own pace.
the need to compromise when being with a huge group of people irks me sometimes. there's a lot of indecisiveness and standing-around-waiting-for-someone-else-to-decide that i find is a waste of time.
i can sense hostility, preferential treatment towards other people and the like. i used to wonder about the reason for that, i still do. somewhat. the difference being that after i've pondered it through, whatever negative feelings doesn't affect me or whatever minuscule amount of friendship that's there. as long as the personal grudges don't make it impossible for us to work together objectively, i won't really care.

that said, i don't know this whole distance thing is because i've been holding myself apart, not letting myself get close, or because "we just don't click". or maybe both.
from what i've seen/felt, what they've been saying all along about friendship being really important... isn't quite true. i can give my best without needing to be super close to the other teammates.

also, how many people out there can you count on not to judge when you have something to tell them?
honestly speaking, i have no idea how many will listen to me when i have happy news to share, and not go "oh hear her, she's boasting again", and how many will let me confide without thinking "there she goes again, getting emo about the smallest things".
and now, even if people are willing to, i don't know if i want to open up to them. it IS a lot easier to be a private person.
yes, life may be all about stepping out of one's comfort zone, challenging oneself to try new things. but being secure enough to not be dependent on others may not be such a bad thing either.

*215

before you read on, do take note that this is going to end up sounding like a bitchy whiny post no matter how much i try to keep the angst and the ranting in check. (yes i can predict the future, to a certain extent. and i know myself well enough.) so if you're not in the mood to hear how everything, like, sucks, then please click on the back button and get outta here.

still reading? okay i'm going to start. don't say i didn't warn you.

funny how germ foong and yichiew seem interested in my haircut. hahah short hair only reminds me of rv days. we don't have to meet up for you to see how i look like with short hair; just drag out old yearbooks. (though admittedly i think my secondary school pictures are crap.)
my mom cut it. it took three tries before it ended up like this, but on saturday everyone said it's not bad so i guess my mom did a pretty good job. hahah.

HELLO JERROLD. it's nice to see your comment, even if it was only one word and a smiley hahahah.

huixian, bitchiness only occurs among peers. everyone in the office is so way older that they don't indulge in childish things like bitching! yeah i really really miss school. at least we get to meet up on saturdays. that should be some consolation. hahah.

sometimes i don't like what i see around me, but i choose to keep quiet. in some cases it may be that i'm not in a position to do anything (especially if it's a system issue). when it involves people around me, it becomes so tricky that i don't want to touch it anyway. but not addressing it doesn't mean i agree with it.

sure, i do feel bad if i just let the problem continue. after thinking about it, it didn't make sense to me. why should i try to get other people's lives into shape? it's their lives, they can wreck it however they want to.
go ahead and call me a heartless self-centered bitch. that's probably what i am.

i tried once and it didn't work out; instead, it drained me totally. so it turned out to be a stupid attempt to try to help someone when he/she doesn't want to be helped. everyone should be responsible for himself/herself. part of me don't see why some people need others to make sure they don't screw themselves up. whatever happened to self-discipline? since i spend so much energy convincing myself to do the right thing, i don't see why i have to spend energy convincing other people to do what's good for them too.

yeah, and the other part of me feels guilty for not trying.
see. it's back to old issues. again.

i was chatting with gary the other day, and he mentioned something about writing stories to keep our brains from degenerating. hahah i agree, but it's not that easy to write. inspiration doesn't come by that often.

there're people who talk to me only when they want to talk about themselves. i don't particularly like it, and i get pretty annoyed by it. but the sick thing is i listen to them anyway, and i play along, giving (what i hope are) appropriate answers. geez.

recently i've been really washed out. everything's just so... tiring. it can't be that i'm not sleeping enough; i get 7-8 hours of sleep every night. work isn't particularly very vigorous either. all i do is sit at the computer and type. or copy-and-paste. or check stuff, or stare at numbers. granted, once in a while i have to check through 6000 plus lines of numbers, and it can get a bit hard on the brain, but that can't account for why i feel sore all over at the end of every day. when i get home from work, all i want to do is sprawl on my bed and sleep. (actually that's what i want to do when i get home from choir practices too. hahah. at least when i sing i expend energy, so it's logical.)

and when i'm so exhausted, it becomes difficult to find joy in what i do. nowadays seeing the piano turns me off totally; my exam is in a few months' time, my pieces and scales are still in shambles, my teacher is pregnant and will stop lessons before my exam, and i don't feel like practising. what the hell. honestly i'm sick of my exam pieces.

come to think of it, i'm sick of everything.
i don't even know what to do to make myself feel upbeat again. technically doing something that makes me happy should help, but "something" used to refer to playing the piano, reading, writing, or singing. the thought of all of which makes me feel tired, so they aren't viable options.

maybe i should just look for some chocolates to eat. hahah.

okay at long last i'm ending this post. if you've lasted this far, congrats. besides, even though this is such an unentertaining post, at least i kept my promise to blog somewhat regularly.

ah, the work week starts in 17 hours.